"Could you please check for a size 8?" "Okay maybe a 71/2??" "Oh they only have a six." "Now that's a car." "These would just look perfect with that sweater I bought last month." "The coach symbol is just barely visible too, which I like." "My Aunt had a dark red convertible one being fixed across the country." "I love Steve Madden." "Oh the lace doesn't show when I walk around." "I can't leave the store without it."
I was obviously shopping yesterday. And it took me a while, but among these women scouring the racks for their shoe size, and the store retail clerks stalking you and jumping at any chance to persuade a sale, I realized how into the shopping spree I was getting.
I was trying on this (GORGEOUS) peach jacket, that was marked down. And that automatically makes it affordable in my mind-Marked down from 150 to 73?? Yes!
But I was looking at it some more. That changing room mirror not only displayed how nicely the jacket fit me, but also reflected someone who was changing her life so she could go to Peru.
Finally, I stopped debating and put the (BEAUTIFUL) darn thing back on the rack.
I just don't think I can hit the mall for a while. I forgot how into bargain hunting I get, and how I used to waste my money on things simply because I had allowance. I don't like being a snobby teen looking at the most expensive brands like she's a millionaire. And I'm glad I caught myself.
I have plenty of jackets.
I came home and started work on my letter and address list.
2.02.2008
1.31.2008
1.24.2008
What's it called again?
Oh yeah.
Fury. Anger. Betrayal. Deep, deep disappointment.
Those would describe this boiling emotion screaming to get out right now.
It's day like this that I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow just arrive back at a more innocent period in my life. Those childhood days, where life was good, no trauma, no stress. Things were stable. The biggest worry of your day was whether or not you were having PB&J for lunch.
None of this.
My youth pastor told me recently that I have a thing called an over-achiever personality. I highly doubt it. I would be better at turning in HW on time. But he told me that just the fact that I worry about my grades, and that I calculate how much money I could make on min. wage to save for 4 months, and that I stress about the more important things shows I act this way. And then he went on to say that he worries about me beating up on myself too much. And that when things like this happen, I should actually talk to people.
His biggest support for that advising statement? He was the first one I had told any of this to. So, I guess he's right.
And I guess I can't go on living innocently, thinking I'd never encounter any of life's obstacles.
Like David, I'm growing with Him, but still find plenty of room to complain.
Fury. Anger. Betrayal. Deep, deep disappointment.
Those would describe this boiling emotion screaming to get out right now.
It's day like this that I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow just arrive back at a more innocent period in my life. Those childhood days, where life was good, no trauma, no stress. Things were stable. The biggest worry of your day was whether or not you were having PB&J for lunch.
None of this.
My youth pastor told me recently that I have a thing called an over-achiever personality. I highly doubt it. I would be better at turning in HW on time. But he told me that just the fact that I worry about my grades, and that I calculate how much money I could make on min. wage to save for 4 months, and that I stress about the more important things shows I act this way. And then he went on to say that he worries about me beating up on myself too much. And that when things like this happen, I should actually talk to people.
His biggest support for that advising statement? He was the first one I had told any of this to. So, I guess he's right.
And I guess I can't go on living innocently, thinking I'd never encounter any of life's obstacles.
Like David, I'm growing with Him, but still find plenty of room to complain.
1.23.2008
And it has already rained
God never gives us something in our life that He knows we cannot handle.
I believed it. So while everyone intimidated by my Spanish 2 teacher's curriculum, and process of grading dropped out in early October, I stayed. It was a fun class and I knew that I"d actually learn more about the language. The whole semester seems like preparation for the end of term final; I mean, not really, but if you work hard he'll give you so many second chances that all that really matters is the final-your very last chance. I got a C+ last term and if you get higher the second term, he goes back and changes the grade before it's a transcript.
So the pressure's (was) on.
The grading system is very hard to understand, but once you do, you are prepared.
It points out every minute mistake and, since each daily test is only worth 10 points, you arent tested on everything and the little stupid mistakes you make add up.
The final is no different. It will catch you with any misspelling or missing accent mark and throw you just under the passing point.
I realize that there's no excuse for me not studying, because he is constantly reminding to do it 24/7. And it's also my lazy and procrastinating habits that led me to this probable D+.
It's like when you know that you need to fix the little dinged, broken piece of your right windshield wiper. You now that the storms are coming up soon, but you just put it off until It's already raining. Then what do you have; an unclear view of what's ahead.
I had all these nights to study, and what little I did wasn't enough. I just kept putting it off, knowing full well when the final was. And now the final is over, with 70% of my grade counting on whether or not I passed all the sections (the other 30% isn't all that great either).
Maybe he'll be as merciful as he was last term, seeing how this was one of my section scores:
10 pt grading scale
10 Excellent-A+
9 Very Good-A
8 Good-B
7 Satisfactory-C <-----7-Cut off point for passing any test/section of test.
<-----6.5-Score I got on one section of the final.
6 Insufficient-D If any of the essential Spanish 2 standard tests are failed, it
5-4 Poor-F+ is an automatic D in the class
3-1 Very Poor-F (thus, no Spanish three next year)
I believed it. So while everyone intimidated by my Spanish 2 teacher's curriculum, and process of grading dropped out in early October, I stayed. It was a fun class and I knew that I"d actually learn more about the language. The whole semester seems like preparation for the end of term final; I mean, not really, but if you work hard he'll give you so many second chances that all that really matters is the final-your very last chance. I got a C+ last term and if you get higher the second term, he goes back and changes the grade before it's a transcript.
So the pressure's (was) on.
The grading system is very hard to understand, but once you do, you are prepared.
It points out every minute mistake and, since each daily test is only worth 10 points, you arent tested on everything and the little stupid mistakes you make add up.
The final is no different. It will catch you with any misspelling or missing accent mark and throw you just under the passing point.
I realize that there's no excuse for me not studying, because he is constantly reminding to do it 24/7. And it's also my lazy and procrastinating habits that led me to this probable D+.
It's like when you know that you need to fix the little dinged, broken piece of your right windshield wiper. You now that the storms are coming up soon, but you just put it off until It's already raining. Then what do you have; an unclear view of what's ahead.
I had all these nights to study, and what little I did wasn't enough. I just kept putting it off, knowing full well when the final was. And now the final is over, with 70% of my grade counting on whether or not I passed all the sections (the other 30% isn't all that great either).
Maybe he'll be as merciful as he was last term, seeing how this was one of my section scores:
10 pt grading scale
10 Excellent-A+
9 Very Good-A
8 Good-B
7 Satisfactory-C <-----7-Cut off point for passing any test/section of test.
<-----6.5-Score I got on one section of the final.
6 Insufficient-D If any of the essential Spanish 2 standard tests are failed, it
5-4 Poor-F+ is an automatic D in the class
3-1 Very Poor-F (thus, no Spanish three next year)
1.22.2008
In due time
I wish that God could just simply ascend to Earth. Just once. Even if only for 2 minutes.
All doubts would disappear, faith would solidify, and praise would be worth shouting.
Plus, that would persuade anyone to follow Him, right? Seeing Him right before them?
Not necessarily. It would still take a while to explain everything this faith has to offer. Even if they saw Him, it doesn't mean they would be willing to change.
But if only that could be enough.
So then the responsibility sort of falls on us; to spread the wonderful story of our God and share what He brings.
But in the end, the person will be called to follow in God's own time.
So my question is, what is the purpose of evangelizing, I guess.
It may be inviting and comforting to hear of someone who watches over you and listens to you where ever and when ever you need it. But, especially if the person isn't too open the the idea at first, what do we do in the meantime?
Feel hopeless and useless waiting around for God to coax these stubborn people into His reach?
Wouldn't it be whole lot easier for all of us if He came for a visit? :)
This is simply one of those gnawing thoughts that chew away when it think of my purpose for going to Peru....
All doubts would disappear, faith would solidify, and praise would be worth shouting.
Plus, that would persuade anyone to follow Him, right? Seeing Him right before them?
Not necessarily. It would still take a while to explain everything this faith has to offer. Even if they saw Him, it doesn't mean they would be willing to change.
But if only that could be enough.
So then the responsibility sort of falls on us; to spread the wonderful story of our God and share what He brings.
But in the end, the person will be called to follow in God's own time.
So my question is, what is the purpose of evangelizing, I guess.
It may be inviting and comforting to hear of someone who watches over you and listens to you where ever and when ever you need it. But, especially if the person isn't too open the the idea at first, what do we do in the meantime?
Feel hopeless and useless waiting around for God to coax these stubborn people into His reach?
Wouldn't it be whole lot easier for all of us if He came for a visit? :)
This is simply one of those gnawing thoughts that chew away when it think of my purpose for going to Peru....
Many men will drink the rain
And turn to thank the clouds
Many men will hear you Speak
They will never turn around
But I will not forget
You are my god my king
With a thankful heart
I bring you my offering
And my sacrifice is
Not what You can give
But what I alone can
Give to you
A grateful heart I give
A thankful prayer I pray
A Wild dance I dance before You
A Loud song I sing
A huge bell I ring
A life of praise I live before you
Many men will pour their gold
And serve a thing that shines
Many men will read your words
They will never change their minds1.16.2008
Surprises
What???
E.S.L.R.?
Peru?
March Easter Break?
End of course exams?
Re-applications?
$1,700?!?
A job?
Green??
Who knew I'd be so bombarded with what 2008 has to throw at me.
This year it is hitting me hard-that self reflection and thought that comes with the new year. Time is incredible, flying past at super speeds and creating memories with each month. To look back on what the past year was can be funny, saddening, grin-inducing, and awkward. It's difficult to contemplate all that happened within the last 365 days; within the last few months even!
You start your sentences with "it seems like just yesterday..."
So now all I have to say is, that the moping is done, I'm SO motivated, and if I'm going to do this, do I have support?
E.S.L.R.?
Peru?
March Easter Break?
End of course exams?
Re-applications?
$1,700?!?
A job?
Green??
Who knew I'd be so bombarded with what 2008 has to throw at me.
This year it is hitting me hard-that self reflection and thought that comes with the new year. Time is incredible, flying past at super speeds and creating memories with each month. To look back on what the past year was can be funny, saddening, grin-inducing, and awkward. It's difficult to contemplate all that happened within the last 365 days; within the last few months even!
You start your sentences with "it seems like just yesterday..."
So now all I have to say is, that the moping is done, I'm SO motivated, and if I'm going to do this, do I have support?
12.25.2007
it's all in a day's indulgences.
Feelin a bit tipsay from prime rib and potatoes and andnd, nd chezcake.
no moh sparklin cidah fo meh :)
plus, me arm's a bit sore at the moment from that darn wii.
so do I hear a bed calling me at this hour?
perhaps, but first how was everyone else's day?
no moh sparklin cidah fo meh :)
plus, me arm's a bit sore at the moment from that darn wii.
so do I hear a bed calling me at this hour?
perhaps, but first how was everyone else's day?
12.23.2007
...it's that thing called...a thermadorian Reaction?
Well, it was in the French Revolution. The period after the Terror, when life just drifted back to normal. After Robespierre was killed and the new government started new with the Thermidor calendar and whatnot.
Yes, that hectic last week of school has fled like Marie-Antoinette and that giant AP Euro history project, or my Louis XVI, is done and over with.
Although, it has obviously had some effect on me :)
I can finally catch up on sleep and take time on homework and just, enjoy life.
Which is all good with this time of year.
OH-and interesting fact of the day, to me anyway because a good deal of people already know this I bet, but
Hanukkah is not the Jewish equivalent of Christmas! I just find that funny because the two major December holidays are Christmas and Hanukkah.
But Christmas is a big thing for Christians, where Hanukkah is not that big a thing for Jewish people. For Christians it's Easter and Christmas, where as Passover isn't even that big for them either-their two major holidays are Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur.
It was intriguing, and shocking all the same.
This day before the day before was warm! The first day of Winter, after a week of gloomy yet chilly rain and clouds, was around 70 degrees (actually it technically is Christmas Eve).
Ugghh. And here I thought because it was cold this close to Christmas, we might have had a comfortably cold holiday.
But what was I thinking? It will always get warm around this time-awful southern California.
Oh well. Snow on Friday at Mt. Pinos!
In the meantime, here is another Christmas favorite of mine. Hope we sing it tomorrow at Christmas Eve service.
Yes, that hectic last week of school has fled like Marie-Antoinette and that giant AP Euro history project, or my Louis XVI, is done and over with.
Although, it has obviously had some effect on me :)
I can finally catch up on sleep and take time on homework and just, enjoy life.
Which is all good with this time of year.
OH-and interesting fact of the day, to me anyway because a good deal of people already know this I bet, but
Hanukkah is not the Jewish equivalent of Christmas! I just find that funny because the two major December holidays are Christmas and Hanukkah.
But Christmas is a big thing for Christians, where Hanukkah is not that big a thing for Jewish people. For Christians it's Easter and Christmas, where as Passover isn't even that big for them either-their two major holidays are Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur.
It was intriguing, and shocking all the same.
This day before the day before was warm! The first day of Winter, after a week of gloomy yet chilly rain and clouds, was around 70 degrees (actually it technically is Christmas Eve).
Ugghh. And here I thought because it was cold this close to Christmas, we might have had a comfortably cold holiday.
But what was I thinking? It will always get warm around this time-awful southern California.
Oh well. Snow on Friday at Mt. Pinos!
In the meantime, here is another Christmas favorite of mine. Hope we sing it tomorrow at Christmas Eve service.
Angels we have heard on high
Sweetly singing o'er the plains,
And the mountains in reply
Echoing their joyous strains.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Shepherds, why this jubilee?
Why your joyous strains prolong?
What the gladsome tidings be
Which inspire your heavenly song?
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Come to Bethlehem and see
Christ Whose birth the angels sing;
Come, adore on bended knee,
Christ the Lord, the newborn King.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
See Him in a manger laid,
Whom the choirs of angels praise;
Mary, Joseph, lend your aid,
While our hearts in love we raise.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Sweetly singing o'er the plains,
And the mountains in reply
Echoing their joyous strains.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Shepherds, why this jubilee?
Why your joyous strains prolong?
What the gladsome tidings be
Which inspire your heavenly song?
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Come to Bethlehem and see
Christ Whose birth the angels sing;
Come, adore on bended knee,
Christ the Lord, the newborn King.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
See Him in a manger laid,
Whom the choirs of angels praise;
Mary, Joseph, lend your aid,
While our hearts in love we raise.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
12.17.2007
...I haven't felt merry yet.
Is it not funny that so many things can happen in a matter of 4 days?
So many.
Between all of the homework and projects and chores and school commitments and club commitments and church activities and holiday gifts and shopping and spending time with people and remembering all of this,
it could sometimes become difficult to remember simple things like taking a shower or feeding the dog.
And ALL of this occurring in four days??
Crazy. Where is the sense of relaxation of the holidays?
Oh wait, the Christmas season is never relaxing until Christmas actually comes.
We can always try though, right?
so,
here's another one of those covered Christmas songs (to the tune of Baby it's Cold Outside).
I just want to stay hooome,
No, you've got to go back to school.
But I'm too lazy to work now m'm.
Just get your butt back to school.
This vacation did not last,
Well, not too short, not too fast.
long enough for meeeee.
If you will just go, again you'll be in your old rou-tine.
But what if I just can't make it-
Oh come on now, you can't fake it.
The first week is always so hard.
You'll be alright once past the yard.
I guess if you're gonna insist,
That's right, you won't be missed.
I'll go and get my backpack ready,
You won't be late if you keep it this steady.
I just wish I could stay,
Your education-don't be a foooool-
Gosh I've got to baaack tooo schooool.
(Yes you've)
So many.
Between all of the homework and projects and chores and school commitments and club commitments and church activities and holiday gifts and shopping and spending time with people and remembering all of this,
it could sometimes become difficult to remember simple things like taking a shower or feeding the dog.
And ALL of this occurring in four days??
Crazy. Where is the sense of relaxation of the holidays?
Oh wait, the Christmas season is never relaxing until Christmas actually comes.
We can always try though, right?
so,
here's another one of those covered Christmas songs (to the tune of Baby it's Cold Outside).
I just want to stay hooome,
No, you've got to go back to school.
But I'm too lazy to work now m'm.
Just get your butt back to school.
This vacation did not last,
Well, not too short, not too fast.
long enough for meeeee.
If you will just go, again you'll be in your old rou-tine.
But what if I just can't make it-
Oh come on now, you can't fake it.
The first week is always so hard.
You'll be alright once past the yard.
I guess if you're gonna insist,
That's right, you won't be missed.
I'll go and get my backpack ready,
You won't be late if you keep it this steady.
I just wish I could stay,
Your education-don't be a foooool-
Gosh I've got to baaack tooo schooool.
(Yes you've)
12.04.2007
...I doubt I'm going anywhere.
I'm having thoughts.
These relieving yet abnormal thoughts that just creep back into my mind throughout the day.
They try and persuade me to just give up on my religion altogether.
And they're doing a pretty good job.
I think;
What would be the harm? Quite a few things would be better in my life-it's not like I growing or moving on in my walk with Christ. I wouldn't have to go to church or Tuesday nights. I wouldn't have to sing songs that are supposed to be from my heart, but feel like they're simply words.
I wouldn't have to feel like I'm praying to nothing-no one.
If I just let it all go for a while; just a break from time with God; If I didn't even think about-prayer, praise, communion, studying His word-what would happen?
And if I felt like something was missing, I could always return, right?
But then I know it would never be the same. And what about salvation? What about baptism? What about faith and strength and love?
It's just...
I don't think I can continue just muddling through life as it is now. I'm not going anywhere, and don't know if I can even return to the close relationship I've had in previous years.
These relieving yet abnormal thoughts that just creep back into my mind throughout the day.
They try and persuade me to just give up on my religion altogether.
And they're doing a pretty good job.
I think;
What would be the harm? Quite a few things would be better in my life-it's not like I growing or moving on in my walk with Christ. I wouldn't have to go to church or Tuesday nights. I wouldn't have to sing songs that are supposed to be from my heart, but feel like they're simply words.
I wouldn't have to feel like I'm praying to nothing-no one.
If I just let it all go for a while; just a break from time with God; If I didn't even think about-prayer, praise, communion, studying His word-what would happen?
And if I felt like something was missing, I could always return, right?
But then I know it would never be the same. And what about salvation? What about baptism? What about faith and strength and love?
It's just...
I don't think I can continue just muddling through life as it is now. I'm not going anywhere, and don't know if I can even return to the close relationship I've had in previous years.
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