To all those in my youth group,
to everyone I spend time with at school,
to most of my family,
to the role models of my life,
and those who have made a difference,
Philippians 1:3
I love you all.
3.30.2008
3.21.2008
When I survey that wondrous cross
We have a truly amazing God.
Jesus was born and then lived to love and share the Word of Salvation on Earth.
He brought forgiveness by taking our sins upon himself and dying on a cross.
When those who hated Him lashed out, He turned the other cheek for them as well. And He taught others to live this way.
He hoped that His death would show the ultimate forgiveness, and prove that love always rises above hatred; hoped that they would finally come to be with him and rejoice in kindness throughout.
And he willingly died knowing that people could easily mock Him and close their heart to Him even after He died for them.
They could easily just laugh and turn away.
But He did it anyway.
Truly amazing.
Jesus was born and then lived to love and share the Word of Salvation on Earth.
He brought forgiveness by taking our sins upon himself and dying on a cross.
When those who hated Him lashed out, He turned the other cheek for them as well. And He taught others to live this way.
He hoped that His death would show the ultimate forgiveness, and prove that love always rises above hatred; hoped that they would finally come to be with him and rejoice in kindness throughout.
And he willingly died knowing that people could easily mock Him and close their heart to Him even after He died for them.
They could easily just laugh and turn away.
But He did it anyway.
Truly amazing.
3.15.2008
What to expect...
I put my hair up into a ponytail for the first time in great many years.
It's tugging at my hair in unfamiliar angles that haven't been pulled in a long while; and it's giving me a headache.
I saw some people today that I haven't seen in years. We used to be somewhat friends, but then again, how close can 6 and 7 year olds be? Especially if they only see each other once or twice a week.
It brought back old memories of 'in-between Sundays' at church, and my former leaders, and the groups I was involved in, and people I used to be closer to.
And how much I miss it all.
The realization of all this saddens me in a way that I haven't felt recently.
It's making me think ahead as well.
Of the changes that are looming so closely; the things I have not yet said to some, and to others what might be too late to say.
In one month, I will be sixteen.
My youth pastor will have resigned.
I will have gotten a job (most likely).
A significant amount of metal will finally be absent from my head.
I'll be working towards my permit.
Preparation for Peru will become more constant.
I will be focusing on the AP exam, the SATs, the college options.
Some things I expect will have changed;
Others I hope will not have.
And amongst all these shifts, I anticipated such hardship, loss and gloom.
Last night I attended a Campus Crusaders concert at Moorpark college. A theme set for the majority of the night was change; its highs and lows, what comes with it, and how God comes into play. The band's name, Anvue, even had an internal meaning-A new view of life and things to come.
A speaker at the gathering discussed true hardship he has experienced. Deep, traumatic, events that changed the rest of his life. He explained how he is living now, and what really brought him out the depression-the knowledge of the Father, and how his view of Him shifted from just somebody who comes and goes, to a reliable love that will stay with faith.
I related somewhat to his insecurity and helplessness, but only to an extent. Hearing this young man's tesitmony made me realize how negatively I looked upon life and the future, and how it really isn't so hard. I take so many wonderful things throughout my life for granted, and totally overlook how much more miserable I would be without them. Now not necessarily stating that my problems aren't legitimate as well; but just to see how hitting a certain point can turn a person around and thrust him straight into the Lord's arms with willingness, and with such ease...it made me question how faithful I really am and how much I trust in God's will for me.
I remember that innocent faith and undoubted certainty that accompanied childhood. I really miss it. So much has changed that probably influenced my faith in God back then.
But, obviously, that is always going to happen.
Faith should never be lost just because of minor, even major things that occur.
And a strong trust in Him wouldn't.
It could, should even, strengthen faith, just trusting that He is in control of everything.
Change is both good and bad. It should strengthen my trust in God and assure me of His ever-present love, no matter what I'm experiencing.
I can look back on the past with disappointment and understanding, but I can also anticipate the future with joyful, hope-inducing trust.
It's tugging at my hair in unfamiliar angles that haven't been pulled in a long while; and it's giving me a headache.
I saw some people today that I haven't seen in years. We used to be somewhat friends, but then again, how close can 6 and 7 year olds be? Especially if they only see each other once or twice a week.
It brought back old memories of 'in-between Sundays' at church, and my former leaders, and the groups I was involved in, and people I used to be closer to.
And how much I miss it all.
The realization of all this saddens me in a way that I haven't felt recently.
It's making me think ahead as well.
Of the changes that are looming so closely; the things I have not yet said to some, and to others what might be too late to say.
In one month, I will be sixteen.
My youth pastor will have resigned.
I will have gotten a job (most likely).
A significant amount of metal will finally be absent from my head.
I'll be working towards my permit.
Preparation for Peru will become more constant.
I will be focusing on the AP exam, the SATs, the college options.
Some things I expect will have changed;
Others I hope will not have.
And amongst all these shifts, I anticipated such hardship, loss and gloom.
Last night I attended a Campus Crusaders concert at Moorpark college. A theme set for the majority of the night was change; its highs and lows, what comes with it, and how God comes into play. The band's name, Anvue, even had an internal meaning-A new view of life and things to come.
A speaker at the gathering discussed true hardship he has experienced. Deep, traumatic, events that changed the rest of his life. He explained how he is living now, and what really brought him out the depression-the knowledge of the Father, and how his view of Him shifted from just somebody who comes and goes, to a reliable love that will stay with faith.
I related somewhat to his insecurity and helplessness, but only to an extent. Hearing this young man's tesitmony made me realize how negatively I looked upon life and the future, and how it really isn't so hard. I take so many wonderful things throughout my life for granted, and totally overlook how much more miserable I would be without them. Now not necessarily stating that my problems aren't legitimate as well; but just to see how hitting a certain point can turn a person around and thrust him straight into the Lord's arms with willingness, and with such ease...it made me question how faithful I really am and how much I trust in God's will for me.
I remember that innocent faith and undoubted certainty that accompanied childhood. I really miss it. So much has changed that probably influenced my faith in God back then.
But, obviously, that is always going to happen.
Faith should never be lost just because of minor, even major things that occur.
And a strong trust in Him wouldn't.
It could, should even, strengthen faith, just trusting that He is in control of everything.
Change is both good and bad. It should strengthen my trust in God and assure me of His ever-present love, no matter what I'm experiencing.
I can look back on the past with disappointment and understanding, but I can also anticipate the future with joyful, hope-inducing trust.
2.29.2008
The tugging remorse
Guilt.
Surprisingly, people feel it a lot of the time.
It's honestly a major thing that can bring you farther from God.
People actually have guilt problems.
It can drag you down to feeling awful; hopeless and undeserving.
It stems from not accepting forgiveness, clinging to regretful actions that you won't let go of.
But what's the sense in remembering something like that-is it more significant than forgiveness?
Unneeded burdens are worse than any kind of disapproval...it would be much easier to let Him take your regrets from you, so you can move on to being free of that weight.
Guilt leads to want to improve your actions so that you don't ever experience what made you feel remorseful in the first place again. But a constant bombardment of improvements for yourself is never good.
Sure; you can learn your lesson, but always beating yourself up over things can create a tendency to bring yourself farther and farther into that deep dislike for how you are.
Which, by the way, is forgiven.
Surprisingly, people feel it a lot of the time.
It's honestly a major thing that can bring you farther from God.
People actually have guilt problems.
It can drag you down to feeling awful; hopeless and undeserving.
It stems from not accepting forgiveness, clinging to regretful actions that you won't let go of.
But what's the sense in remembering something like that-is it more significant than forgiveness?
Unneeded burdens are worse than any kind of disapproval...it would be much easier to let Him take your regrets from you, so you can move on to being free of that weight.
Guilt leads to want to improve your actions so that you don't ever experience what made you feel remorseful in the first place again. But a constant bombardment of improvements for yourself is never good.
Sure; you can learn your lesson, but always beating yourself up over things can create a tendency to bring yourself farther and farther into that deep dislike for how you are.
Which, by the way, is forgiven.
2.20.2008
"Resscccuuuueee is coommminggggggg"
What is it about music that urges our want to sing?
Just the right tempo and sound of drums can send us leaping down the hall.
The perfect amount of fuzzed techno static starts our shoulders moving and we dance.
At the right pitch and key of piano our vocal chords will get some use.
Is it the beauty of the melody or harmony we hear that can make us tear up? Or is it because the lyrics connect with us somehow? Both?
I know that certain voices send shivers down my spine when listen. That always seemed weird, like it was an actual bodily response to the sound I was hearing.
Which makes sense; apparently one of the eight characteristics of living things is that something alive will respond to its surroundings, observed by any of the senses.
I like contagious songs;
songs you can clap to;
songs that are enjoyable to sing with,
to dance to,
to close your eyes
let anything else go
be alone with what you're singing and hearing
and why...
( definition of worship?)
It's one of my favorite means of praise. If you encounter difficulty when searching for something to praise Him about, just think-
Do you, or would you want to for that matter,
sing to anyone else?
Just the right tempo and sound of drums can send us leaping down the hall.
The perfect amount of fuzzed techno static starts our shoulders moving and we dance.
At the right pitch and key of piano our vocal chords will get some use.
Is it the beauty of the melody or harmony we hear that can make us tear up? Or is it because the lyrics connect with us somehow? Both?
I know that certain voices send shivers down my spine when listen. That always seemed weird, like it was an actual bodily response to the sound I was hearing.
Which makes sense; apparently one of the eight characteristics of living things is that something alive will respond to its surroundings, observed by any of the senses.
I like contagious songs;
songs you can clap to;
songs that are enjoyable to sing with,
to dance to,
to close your eyes
let anything else go
be alone with what you're singing and hearing
and why...
( definition of worship?)
It's one of my favorite means of praise. If you encounter difficulty when searching for something to praise Him about, just think-
Do you, or would you want to for that matter,
sing to anyone else?
2.18.2008
What a little help can do
I would constantly turn to God expecting his help.
Expecting, not asking.
It does not hurt to ask for help. For months I would try to turn to Him, always blaming myself for being selfish to want to ask for God's hand, or anyone's for that matter. Repeated shame sent me into a stage I recognized as simple helplessness.
He is there. We are His, and He wants us to fully grasp that-we are loved by our creator.
The feeling that accompanies the return from such a deep, distant place is wonderful.
Something as simple as a prayer can be so powerful-and helpful.
Expecting, not asking.
It does not hurt to ask for help. For months I would try to turn to Him, always blaming myself for being selfish to want to ask for God's hand, or anyone's for that matter. Repeated shame sent me into a stage I recognized as simple helplessness.
He is there. We are His, and He wants us to fully grasp that-we are loved by our creator.
The feeling that accompanies the return from such a deep, distant place is wonderful.
Something as simple as a prayer can be so powerful-and helpful.
"Loving Father,
Help me to experience the reality that I am the one Jesus loves.
Amen."
Help me to experience the reality that I am the one Jesus loves.
Amen."
2.15.2008
I dare you
Define love.
Try and explain what you feel when you see those close to you.
Is the emotion difficult to describe? Sure. We just fall back on it- " He was so loving" "We knew she did it out of love." But what comes to mind when you say I love you. Do you give it any thought? Have you ever really recognized your love for something after saying it for years?
I think the bible does a good job;
" 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It's all true right?
I think I've always seen love as simply such admiration and care for someone, that you put them above yourself and can not live without them. In that way, love doesn't always have to be between a couple-of course you can love friends and family.
Love is an explanation for caring about someone in that way. We look to love keep relationships together. It is worth so much.
Can love stop though? If it has stopped, was ever really there? If it always hopes for the better and perseveres than we should come to see what love actually is.
Try and explain what you feel when you see those close to you.
Is the emotion difficult to describe? Sure. We just fall back on it- " He was so loving" "We knew she did it out of love." But what comes to mind when you say I love you. Do you give it any thought? Have you ever really recognized your love for something after saying it for years?
I think the bible does a good job;
" 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It's all true right?
I think I've always seen love as simply such admiration and care for someone, that you put them above yourself and can not live without them. In that way, love doesn't always have to be between a couple-of course you can love friends and family.
Love is an explanation for caring about someone in that way. We look to love keep relationships together. It is worth so much.
Can love stop though? If it has stopped, was ever really there? If it always hopes for the better and perseveres than we should come to see what love actually is.
2.02.2008
Till you drop
"Could you please check for a size 8?" "Okay maybe a 71/2??" "Oh they only have a six." "Now that's a car." "These would just look perfect with that sweater I bought last month." "The coach symbol is just barely visible too, which I like." "My Aunt had a dark red convertible one being fixed across the country." "I love Steve Madden." "Oh the lace doesn't show when I walk around." "I can't leave the store without it."
I was obviously shopping yesterday. And it took me a while, but among these women scouring the racks for their shoe size, and the store retail clerks stalking you and jumping at any chance to persuade a sale, I realized how into the shopping spree I was getting.
I was trying on this (GORGEOUS) peach jacket, that was marked down. And that automatically makes it affordable in my mind-Marked down from 150 to 73?? Yes!
But I was looking at it some more. That changing room mirror not only displayed how nicely the jacket fit me, but also reflected someone who was changing her life so she could go to Peru.
Finally, I stopped debating and put the (BEAUTIFUL) darn thing back on the rack.
I just don't think I can hit the mall for a while. I forgot how into bargain hunting I get, and how I used to waste my money on things simply because I had allowance. I don't like being a snobby teen looking at the most expensive brands like she's a millionaire. And I'm glad I caught myself.
I have plenty of jackets.
I came home and started work on my letter and address list.
I was obviously shopping yesterday. And it took me a while, but among these women scouring the racks for their shoe size, and the store retail clerks stalking you and jumping at any chance to persuade a sale, I realized how into the shopping spree I was getting.
I was trying on this (GORGEOUS) peach jacket, that was marked down. And that automatically makes it affordable in my mind-Marked down from 150 to 73?? Yes!
But I was looking at it some more. That changing room mirror not only displayed how nicely the jacket fit me, but also reflected someone who was changing her life so she could go to Peru.
Finally, I stopped debating and put the (BEAUTIFUL) darn thing back on the rack.
I just don't think I can hit the mall for a while. I forgot how into bargain hunting I get, and how I used to waste my money on things simply because I had allowance. I don't like being a snobby teen looking at the most expensive brands like she's a millionaire. And I'm glad I caught myself.
I have plenty of jackets.
I came home and started work on my letter and address list.
1.31.2008
1.24.2008
What's it called again?
Oh yeah.
Fury. Anger. Betrayal. Deep, deep disappointment.
Those would describe this boiling emotion screaming to get out right now.
It's day like this that I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow just arrive back at a more innocent period in my life. Those childhood days, where life was good, no trauma, no stress. Things were stable. The biggest worry of your day was whether or not you were having PB&J for lunch.
None of this.
My youth pastor told me recently that I have a thing called an over-achiever personality. I highly doubt it. I would be better at turning in HW on time. But he told me that just the fact that I worry about my grades, and that I calculate how much money I could make on min. wage to save for 4 months, and that I stress about the more important things shows I act this way. And then he went on to say that he worries about me beating up on myself too much. And that when things like this happen, I should actually talk to people.
His biggest support for that advising statement? He was the first one I had told any of this to. So, I guess he's right.
And I guess I can't go on living innocently, thinking I'd never encounter any of life's obstacles.
Like David, I'm growing with Him, but still find plenty of room to complain.
Fury. Anger. Betrayal. Deep, deep disappointment.
Those would describe this boiling emotion screaming to get out right now.
It's day like this that I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow just arrive back at a more innocent period in my life. Those childhood days, where life was good, no trauma, no stress. Things were stable. The biggest worry of your day was whether or not you were having PB&J for lunch.
None of this.
My youth pastor told me recently that I have a thing called an over-achiever personality. I highly doubt it. I would be better at turning in HW on time. But he told me that just the fact that I worry about my grades, and that I calculate how much money I could make on min. wage to save for 4 months, and that I stress about the more important things shows I act this way. And then he went on to say that he worries about me beating up on myself too much. And that when things like this happen, I should actually talk to people.
His biggest support for that advising statement? He was the first one I had told any of this to. So, I guess he's right.
And I guess I can't go on living innocently, thinking I'd never encounter any of life's obstacles.
Like David, I'm growing with Him, but still find plenty of room to complain.
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