Monday, June 30, 2008

Overall, I was here to interact with the kids and by doing that, help them receive God's love, and encourage a Christian lifestyle.

But along with that, because it IS important for that to have occurred, and it was AMAZING, I feel I was here to learn, because I have learned so much during this past week and a half.

That thought I had early this week about poverty has been on my mind all this time. That our efforts are constantly put towards aiding the less fortunate in their life, trying to help them become wealthier. And thats fine, but to a point. There are living conditions and certain basic needs that should be met (clean water, proper plumbing, good nutrition...). But as well as working on others' needs, we ourselves need so badly to be humbled. Their sense of kindness and their spiritual life is so much richer than what we can obtain. It shows in their constant giving genuine selflessness. At home, we should be working as a whole to rid ourselves of our greed and should not be trying to create that corrupting need to want in their society with envy and riches. We truly need to be humbled and less selfish.

And it tends to be that part of the greed and selfishness stems from our lacking awareness of opportunity to serve, everywhere and anywhere. We discussed last night how we spend so much time doing nothing, when we could be keeping up that mind frame of "the world will always be in need, and I can do something about it." life of serving has been proven to be incredibly rewarding, humbling, and exhilarating. All of our wasted time does not help anyone, including ourselves. I know that personally, I hate falling back into that Thousand Oaks lifestyle; just pushing through, day by day, in an oblivious routine of strict self-absorption. It happens every time I return from a missions trip, where you can breathe freely away from home. Ive learned on this trip from Andy and Lindsay-last night when I had a complete meltdown-not to feel guilty or awful for struggling through problems back home. We live in a well-to-do area, yes. But that's just our individual situation. Every person in the world lives in a different situation. We can have issues wherever we are living, and just because we're wealthier than others doesn't mean that EVERY aspect of our life will be wonderful. I was feeling that any of my problems back in the U.S. weren't justified because there are so many worse things going on here.

Last night's closing discussion was long and inspiring. We agreed that it is a great feeling to help others, and Tracy and Ricky explained that it is easy to feel guilty when that rewarding feeling becomes overwhelming. But it is perfectly fine. Those we've helped are being shaped by God, and you know the fulfilling sense is because you've completed His will for you on the trip. As they were talking about being missionaries, Tracy began discussing how she was brought to missions work. She commented that it was hard at first, but a faith in God helped her immensely when making decisions. She said that any passion that you keep up in your life was put there by Him to grow, and that should be what you pursue throughout your life. If anything goes wrong, He will be there to correct it. When a decision goes astray, He can take care of it. This got to me. I've felt incapable to decide anything important about my future lately. I've had some ideas about colleges and careers, and whatever feels natural and right for me is what I will choose. I also think that a life more dedicated to serving others will also help me prioritize better and focus this upcoming junior year.
I really will need to put in the effort to to grow in my faith. It's insanely difficult for me to put my trust in God entirely, and it shouldn't be. But Peru has helped. Seeing God at work here and what He can do helps me gain His trust. I don't know why it's so hard, when I should put my faith in Him immediately after everything I've been given by Him: His son, my salvation, my freedom, happiness, opportunities...Many things can help me grow, but it depends more on my willingness to try as well. He has always been there, I just need to search for Him more.

That was a point Jim had made at our first meeting; that God is around and has a purpose for everything, it just takes our simple devotion to seek Him out. It was good to have Jim on the trip. There were many times I thought back to Marty, and how it would have been different if he were here, but overall I am glad to have Jim leading. It was a closing trip for him, and I feel he needed to spend a period of time like this with us all. He needed the love. I remember when he first told us he was leaving, and he had mentioned that he hated TO, and had always felt like the "nothing" child out of his four other siblings. There are the oldest and youngest siblings, the only girl, and the middle child, and him. Last night he said something along the lines of anyone being able to do what we did. I disagreed. I think Jim needs to know that yes, anyone can go anywhere and serve, but hey don't always have the willingness to put the heart into their work, And Ricky and Tracy even mentioned that there are some missionaries that act that way. I am not only applying that to the trip, but also to Jim as the person he is, and who he thinks he is. He is the only one in his family who works in youth ministry. And he puts the willingness and heart into it. That's what makes him unique and should make him feel loved.

Another realization I had came with a comment from Andy. She mentioned that most times we only think that God is as big as California, but we receive the opportunities to witness in places like Mexico or Peru, and we can see him working in the lives and hearts of the people we meet. It's encouraging to know that God is worldwide...universal....