Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm still disappointed, naturally. Living in Southern California I've already been to two shopping centers, a movie theater, and a resort upon my return. It makes me sick and depressed. There are so many unfair differences between just a few thousand miles that I can't understand. The fact alone that we never have to walk on dirt voluntarily because there's pavement everywhere is proof. I've heard so many "I want"s and "I need"s since being back, even from myself, when for the past week the mindset was always "I can give." Are there less opportunities to give in this area? Or do we pass up those opportunities, wanting only to gain?

I do understand that with a simpler life comes a greater spirit and faith, along with a lesser need to be concerned about yourself. I think that is amazing. Not that the missionaries' or the Peruvians' lives aren't stressful or busy; just that they of course possess different things. At the Janss last night I could see clear differences between the people and my friends there, and the people and children of Peru. I walked by a play area at the mall and was saddened immensely when I realized none of the children were about to sprint up to me and ask to play, or shout "¡Tia!" and hang off my neck and arms. It was easy to see the different ways of life in those shopping at the Janss Marketplace, and those in Peru. I just kept walking.

I'm now at the La Quinta Resort and Spa in Palm Springs, CA, hauled up inside the dim, air conditioned room, thinking back to the chilly days spent in the Andes. I wish to tears that I was in San Marcos or San Blas again, and I'm hoping and praying fervently that the children there don't forget me or the team too quickly.

The devotional this afternoon talked about serving. It defined serving as doing even the smallest things with a willing heart. Natural obedience should be our response to simple, everyday actions: "God asks us to do the common, ordinary things in extraordinarily good fashion." I know that certain aspects that fall under "common" or "ordinary" are hard and will remain hard for me to complete with a servant's heart.

Another point of the lesson today focused on suffering. I could never grasp this concept, and why or how God would possibly use it. But I began to understand today. I could never grasp why I was losing a relationship with God and struggling at home. But the reflection this afternoon finally made me understand. Conflict has a purpose in our lives. And when I was having a hard time keeping my spiritual life strong, that was all my doing. My faith is my responsibility and it was my choice to break that bond and not work towards a stronger faith. It reminded me of Philippians 3:12-14.
I wrote in the devotional,

"What I have learned now as a part of my post-Peru experience is, the more problems I
experience, the more trust I should build in God. I want so much for my faith to return
even greater, and so, if I need to suffer let me have it. My struggles can worsen if it will push me
to trust in and turn to the Lord. Any obstacle that comes at me I should readily accept as a part
of His plan for me. It will all work out."